Karl Hoffman in Over There

It's the biggest thing to hit Kuwait since Desert Storm, and Big Yellow Nasty Magazine has the exclusive interview.

In a time of international crisis, the fate of two nations hinges on a top-secret mission in the Kuwaiti desert.

While freedom and Democracy hang in the balance, a ragtag band of misfits must band together to recover a mystical artifact and stop an evil cult from enslaving the peace-loving villagers.

One man, one soldier, will rise and prove he is more misfit that the rest. Forsaking the luxury of watching classic cartoons on dorm room computers, sacrificing the comforts of Louisiana strippers because the Army told him he has to, this fearless warrior prepares to strike a mighty blow for freedom.

The sand is going to hit the fan, but before it does, Big Yellow Nasty Magazine secured an exclusive interview with misfit mansoldier Karl Hoffman.

What follows is the epic Instant Messenger conversation that spanned vast continents and oceans. Given the sensitive nature of this mission, screennames have been changed to protect the innocent.

Karl: heya
BYN: Yo yo yo!
Karl: i'm in kuwait!
BYN: Jeez, your icon man is knocking that one kid's head off.
BYN: Kuwait!
Karl: isn't that [expletive]ed up?
BYN: Whoa!
BYN: That is [expletive]ed up!
Karl: totally
BYN: And here I thought the Army was going to be all good times and nailing strippers for you.
BYN: This is your first time overseas, right?
Karl: yeah
BYN: Is it just like the groundbreaking FX drama Over There?
Karl: i've never seen it, but yes!
BYN: Wow. (it's actually a prety good show)
Karl: oh
Karl: then no
BYN: Oh.
BYN: You allowed to tell me what you're doing?
Karl: i'm part of a ragtag bunch of misfits, battling against the boche
BYN: I imagine it's just like Kelly's Heroes, although I 've never seen Kelly's Heroes.
Karl: i think i have, only kelly was named hogan.
BYN: Hmm. They were both WWII, but Kelly was played by now-Academy Award-winning director Clint Eastwood, whereas Hogan was played by Bob Krane, who was killed in Phoenix as a result of some kind of gay porn scandal, I think.
Karl: haha
BYN: So how is it?
BYN: Like Phoenix with oil and more guns?
Karl: hotter.
BYN: [expletive].
Karl: 125+ in the daytime, around 100 at night
BYN: I had a cousin who worked as a supply clerk for the Army in Kuwait. He said he'd sometimes trade supplies for things like a ride in a helicopter out to the desert where he could shoot stuff with the machine gun as he flew by. You get any deals like that?
Karl: hah
Karl: no
Karl: i once traded some lemon crystal light for some raspberry
Karl: that do anything for ya?
BYN: Yeah.
BYN: I mean, no.
Karl:: that's all i got
BYN: So, can I post this conversation to my blog?
Karl: do i get royalties?
BYN: I'll give you 10 percent.
BYN: And top billing.
Karl: keen!
Karl: what's 10 percent of nothing?
BYN: It's a good cut.
BYN: You drive a hard bargain. How does 15 sound?
Karl: deal!
BYN: Excellent. You got any words of wisdom you'd like to impart upon the blogosphere?
Karl: er.....
Karl: no?
BYN: Nothing profound? Nothing classically Karl?
Karl: geez, man
Karl: what sort of thing am i likely to say?
BYN: I dunno. A shout-out to the homies, a battle cry, a bad joke, maybe.
Karl: i can do a battle cry
Karl: NOT IN THE FACE!
BYN: SPOON!
BYN: I miss The Tick.
Karl: indeed
Karl: i like to yell "I'M FULL OF TINIER MEN!"
at moments when you don't yell that sort of thing
BYN: haha!
Karl: a less recognized reference, to be sure
Karl: but by gum, i like it
Karl: anywho, my time is up
Karl: i must be off
BYN: Okay. Enjoy Kuwait!
Karl: i'll be glad to be gone
Karl: kuwait sucks
Karl signed off at 12:47:25 PM.

BYN Magazine will donate 15 percent of the proceeds from this issue to Karl Hoffman.

Posting AIM conversations as blog entries is not lazy when they're poignant exclusive interviews and you write epic introductions for them.