Von Dutch Energy Drink

by Danialla Turbova
fearless fashionista
BYN sexy fashions wire

By now you know Von Dutch Originals.

You've seen the name scrawled across hip people from Queer Eye's Carson to Ashton Kutcher to the sultry sorostitutes at your local state university.

And you've read about how the fashion industry co-opted the name and art of Kenneth Howard (aka Von Dutch), an underground car striper and notorious racist from the 1950s, in order to sell $50 trucker hats to those hip people. And, like this fearless fashionista, you know that Von Dutch is last year's style, and the hip have moved on to better hats.

Well, now you can expect to see those same sultry sorostitutes trading in their beloved Red Bulls for something a little hipper. The ironic pseudo-anti-fashion of Von Dutch Originals has made its way from upscale boutiques to the coolers at 7-Eleven.

An unholy alliance of Coca-Cola and Rockstar has spawned Von Dutch Energy Drink. If you don't believe it (and this fearless fashionista can't blame you for not believing something so ridiculous), read more here.

This news agency's founder and CEO once wrote reviews of energy drinks during his humble beginnings as an online intern. Today, he can afford to pay a fearless fashionista with an exotic-sounding name to do it for him.

I usually write about the hottest shoes, and, as a part-time supermodel, I do my best to avoid drinks with sugar in them (as well as regular drinks and most foods, except foods that are drugs). But this idiot paid me to do a job, so I must live up to my title and overcome my fear of getting fat just this once.

Here's the review:

Von Dutch Energy Drink
-Danialla Turbova

The Claim:

"Von Dutch is an ultra premium, amazing tasting, high octane formulation designed to rev up the day or kick start the night. From the streets of Los Angeles to the Nightlife of New York, Von Dutch is a classic symbol of individuality and represents the spirit of personal expression."

Reading that off the side of the can nearly made this fearless fashionista gag.

Impressive stats:

For the sake of comparison, I'm pitting VD up against Monster, which the boys around the Big Yellow Nasty office buy in bulk, and Red Bull, which is the energy drink of choice at the upscale European clubs I frequent.

The 16-ounce can has twice the vitamin B6 of Red Bull (since it's twice the size). That's two-and-a-half times the B6 of Monster.

The National Institute of Health says B6 helps normalize blood sugar levels, converts tryptophan to niacin, allows hemoglobin to carry more oxygen, and is essential for protein and red blood cell metabolism.

What does all this mean? Damn it, Jim, I'm a supermodel, not a scientist! All I know is that there's an old supermodel saying, "B6, be sexy." All this sciency stuff makes my head hurt, but it also sounds energizing.

Also, no high fructose corn syrup. HFCS is a big no-no for models.

Here's an interesting fact for you naughty nutritionistas, vitamin B3 is the same as niacin. B5 is the same Pantothenic Acid. Knowing that, you'll see that Von Dutch's vitamin content per serving is exactly the same as Red Bull's.

Coincidence? This fearless fashionista thinks not!

The bonus:

If you own this hat, the can will match your outfit perfectly.

Sadly, it clashed to high hell with my new Kate Spade handbag.

The taste:

If you put me in a designer blindfold from Dior, I might not be able to tell the difference between this and Red Bull.

I wanted to see how it mixes with vodka, with rum and with Jager, but I couldn't. More on that later.

The energy:

I've had Monster, so I know what top expect from a tall can of buzz juice.

But despite the fact that these guys stole Red Bull's recipe, the energy was just a hair shy of what it should have been. I'd send it to the lab for more tests, but all my lab does is test cosmetics on baby bunnies.

The verdict:

Britney and Ashton, your energy drink has arrived.

But the rest of us can spot a fake. It's fitting that an energy drink that has co-opted the flavor and nutrition of Red Bull would be named after a fashion company that co-opted the name of a dead car artist.

We trendy club-goers will stick with our Red Bulls, thank you very much.


Writer's note: While writing this review, I was in Phoenix for a shoot. I found one of these drinks at the 7-Eleven on Baseline and Mill in Tempe, but I have not been able to find another since. The reluctantly friendly Indian man at 7-Eleven told me they only got one case as a promotion, and he didn't know when he'd be getting more. Stressed out about my review deadline, I bought a limited-edition white chocolate Reese's Big Cup.

I went to more 7-Elevens and Circle Ks, but all I wound up with were limited-edition coffee Kit Kats, lime Almond Joys, white chocolate Take 5s and peanut Reese's Pieces. By the end of the day, I couldn't fit into my lingerie, and my JCPenney shoot was cancelled.


Editor's note: Danialla Turbova is recovering at a junk food rehabilitation clinic and spa resort in Wikiup, Ariz. Big Yellow Nasty Legal Services refutes all "they made me eat it" claims in her pending lawsuit.