A word from Draco Bubotuber

Updated! New nicknames added!

Aah, the Internet.

With almost no effort, you have access to myriad distractions that enable all manner of quasi-constructive slacking.

Today, for example, I stumbled upon a Harry Potter Nickname Generator, which is of great interest to me as a full-grown man who is halfway through Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire. And as one of the foremost nickname authorities of our day (I came up with "Rood" and contributed to the creation of "Salty Matt," although I really respect Adam Hess for coming up with "Pat Scratch Fever") and as a Harry Potter fan who knows a little bit about the characters and creatures and whatnot, I can definitively say that "Draco Bubotuber," which is what Timothy John Agne yields in the nickname generator, is the worst possible Harry Potter nickname.

"Draco" is taken from Draco Malfoy, who is easily the most despicable character in the series. He's a racist, classist rich kid whom the author works really hard to give no redeeming qualities whatsoever (unless it's in one of the books I haven't read yet, but I really doubt it). The writers on He-Man were not allowed to give Skeletor any redeeming qualities, but I doubt J.K. Rowling operates under similar restrictions. It may just be that kids understand one-sided characters and are better off not relating to bad guys.

And a Bubotuber is a slug-looking plant Harry studies in Herbology that has these boils on it, which the students have to squeeze pus out of. The pus smells of petrol, but it magically cures acne.

Leave a comment if you think your nickname's worse than mine.

Anyway, you bored folks should really poke around this and the other nickname generators on the site, and you'll gleefully waste a ton of time. I like the Pirate Nickname Generator, which turned Tim Agne into "Black Jo Bailey".

In other non-news, here are some more nicknames that may or may not have stuck and that I either helped create or helped perpetrate. I should credit Lewis, who contributed to at least as many of these nicknames as I did, if not more. Also Kevin. And big ups to Mad Dawg (a quality nickname that I think he came up with himself), for helping me brainstorm some of these.

The Leech
The Cowboy, Cowboy Josh
Rood, Rooder, Tooder?
The Chach, The Tweak
Papa Goofins
Ms. Nasty
Junior Mint, The Whiney Bitch
Señor Smoko
Crazy Ben
Greggy Crabcakes (new!)
The Beast, Taco Troll
Morgan from Oregon who loves the male organ
Kristov Karendazh
Harl Koffman
Chris Coitus
J.D. Power
Bone, Bonedog, The Spicy Italian Footlong
Goadmotor
Pretty Jon, Cornfed, (etc., see below)
Buddy Brad
Chicken Fry
Big John, Uncle John, Saint John
Vob Bonburg
Cowboy Jack
Cowboy Kelly
Dapper Dan
Dan Dan the Party Man
Any Derek Will Do
Earth to Andy, Andy Marsden (later Seizure Andy)
The Twater

And compliments of NHL Hitz:
Rundles
Danger Zone
JJ Dynamite
Asmodeus
Maximus
T-Bone, Tank
Hollywood, Iceman
The Dude
Salty
Pat Scratch Fever
YJ (the barrel-chested rat-man who isn't even a real guy except in the hearts of Adam and me)
Yeti
Ed (Karl Hoffman's nickname - he was a square-jawed Asian dude with a massive upper body)
Dr. J
Meat
Horse

I know there are more, but I really can't waste any more time on this blog. Please post additional nicknames as comments and let me know if you can find a good site about Skeletor and, you know, his feelings. I sure couldn't. He and Malfoy should hang out. Sad thing is that Malfoy is probably too stuck up to do evil with some washed-up supervillain, even though Skeletor is fairly wealthy and, as far as I know, from an all-wizard family.

MORE UPDATES
Taken from an AIM conversation with Koef, likely the most nicknamed man I know:

Koefdog: But check it: These are all legitimate nicknames people have given and used consistently on me: Koef, Koefdog, the Koefdog, Frufrod, Fru, Johnny Fingers, Johnny Phoenix, Quiefed, Quiefdude, Koefdude, Pretty Jon, The Quiet Brook,...its out of control.