Nick Lachey reveals startlingly kinky secrets
Paol Maserati
BYN celebrity gossip columnist
People magazine is bringing us a juicy preview of Nick Lachey's tell-all interview in an upcoming Elle:
Here at BYN celebrity gossip, our policy has always been to make up facts and leave it up to celebrities and their publicists to deny them. And oh the things we made up about Newlyweds stars Nick Lachey and Jessica Simpson.
We reported that they had a sex dungeon, complete with whips, chains, handcuffs, industrial-strength shackles, scuba gear, swings, a live American bison with artificial wings, a river of chocolate, Ashlee Simpson CDs, saddles, spurs, a Jacuzzi filled with Crystal champagne, another Jacuzzi filled with blue Jell-O, twelve live peacocks, a gas-powered vibrator, the rest of 98 Degrees, two complete sets of NFL-regulation pads, three Swedish pleasure midgets, a ring-tailed lemur, a ping-pong table, Pepsi twist, a car battery with jumper cables and 128 colors of M&Ms.
We even went as far as to hypothesize what a couple who have been newlyweds for four years might do with all that stuff, and believe me, they were some kinky hypotheses.
But nothing, NOTHING could have prepares us for this startlingly kinky truth.
He wears her shoes.
He wears her shoes.
Nick calls it "kinky." I call it sadomasosodopedocynonecrozapatophelia. I'm going directly to church after I write this to confess the sin of even having thought about it.
I mean, you're walking around in her shoes. What next? Kissing her with your tongue? Naughty text messages? You are a kinky bastard, Nick Lachey.
This shocking revelation proves two things.
The truth is that fame and money profoundly alter your physical needs. This is a painful truth that we celebrity 'journalists' have been covering up for years. The reason, I think, is that people buy our publications based on the assumption that there's some underlying sex between, say, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie.
If we printed the truth - that the physical need for sex, over time, is replaced by a need to, say, be hung upside-down from a chain and be dunked repeatedly into a vat of Evian and rose petals, would you buy our magazines?
No. No you wouldn't.
You would rather read the Elle where Nick Lachey reveals his dirty little shoe fetish.
On a side note, we asked Lachey why he gave the tell-all to Elle and not a cooler magazine.
"Elle is pretty much my favorite letter in the whole ABCs," said Lachey. "Except for 'N,' probably. So it's at least my second favorite."
BYN celebrity gossip columnist
People magazine is bringing us a juicy preview of Nick Lachey's tell-all interview in an upcoming Elle:
Nick Lachey reveals in an interview that he used to put on Jessica Simpson's shoes and walk around in them – "It was sort of a kinky thing we liked to get into," he tells Elle magazine.My sweet holy effing God. Those boots really were made for walking.
Here at BYN celebrity gossip, our policy has always been to make up facts and leave it up to celebrities and their publicists to deny them. And oh the things we made up about Newlyweds stars Nick Lachey and Jessica Simpson.
We reported that they had a sex dungeon, complete with whips, chains, handcuffs, industrial-strength shackles, scuba gear, swings, a live American bison with artificial wings, a river of chocolate, Ashlee Simpson CDs, saddles, spurs, a Jacuzzi filled with Crystal champagne, another Jacuzzi filled with blue Jell-O, twelve live peacocks, a gas-powered vibrator, the rest of 98 Degrees, two complete sets of NFL-regulation pads, three Swedish pleasure midgets, a ring-tailed lemur, a ping-pong table, Pepsi twist, a car battery with jumper cables and 128 colors of M&Ms.
We even went as far as to hypothesize what a couple who have been newlyweds for four years might do with all that stuff, and believe me, they were some kinky hypotheses.
But nothing, NOTHING could have prepares us for this startlingly kinky truth.
He wears her shoes.
He wears her shoes.
Nick calls it "kinky." I call it sadomasosodopedocynonecrozapatophelia. I'm going directly to church after I write this to confess the sin of even having thought about it.
I mean, you're walking around in her shoes. What next? Kissing her with your tongue? Naughty text messages? You are a kinky bastard, Nick Lachey.
This shocking revelation proves two things.
- Nick Lachey's feet must be really small. And you know what they say about guys with small feet ...
- Celebrity couples don't actually have sex or anything even remotely resembling sex.
The truth is that fame and money profoundly alter your physical needs. This is a painful truth that we celebrity 'journalists' have been covering up for years. The reason, I think, is that people buy our publications based on the assumption that there's some underlying sex between, say, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie.
If we printed the truth - that the physical need for sex, over time, is replaced by a need to, say, be hung upside-down from a chain and be dunked repeatedly into a vat of Evian and rose petals, would you buy our magazines?
No. No you wouldn't.
You would rather read the Elle where Nick Lachey reveals his dirty little shoe fetish.
On a side note, we asked Lachey why he gave the tell-all to Elle and not a cooler magazine.
"Elle is pretty much my favorite letter in the whole ABCs," said Lachey. "Except for 'N,' probably. So it's at least my second favorite."
posted by Tim @ 2:27 PM
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