Star Wars comes home

"Ask the Nerd Squad," special for Big Yellow Nasty

It's pretty much official - Star Wars will debut as a television series in 2008. BBC News confirmed today that producers are planning at least 100 episodes.

Much like any other Star Wars announcement, we here at "Ask the Nerd Squad" are treating the news with guarded enthusiasm.

One Nerd Squad consultant went as far as to say, "One hundred episodes of suck. Imagine 'Smallville' with a Star Wars theme." Potential risks, he said, include the persistence of Episode II-style sappy romances.

Yikes!

The television series, however, could avoid comparisons to 'Smallville' if producers play their cards right. This could be a prime-time show on FOX (allowing for suitable pre-opening fanfare). Winding up on the CW could mean instant death for the show.

Then again, the show may be produced for syndication. This might ensure a long-running show and free Star Wars from the fickle clutches of the major networks, but could it sustain the budget a show like Star Wars is sure to demand? Hey, it worked for "Star Trek: The Next Generation." From IMDB:

The decision to produce TNG for syndication rather than for a network was considered a gamble at the time. It was the most expensive project of its kind ever attempted, but it did so well it ended up opening the door for a tidal wave of made-for-syndication dramatic series (including Hercules, Xena, Andromeda, Star Trek: Deep Space Nine, and Baywatch), which continued for more than a decade.

But that was the early '90s, before original series became megahits on premium cable channels. Is the syndication tidal wave still viable for a big-budget show?

Don't ask us. We're the Nerd Squad, not the TV Executive Squad. Gosh.

Regardless of all that, we nerdlingers are holding out that the television series can deliver in all the areas where the prequel trilogy let us down.

How can it do that, you ask? By incorporating our plot ideas:

The following plot ideas were brainstormed by a highly caffeinated squad of nerds. Big Yellow Nasty does not endorse trying to create your own Star Wars plots and we insist that if the show does use the following ideas that we be hired as writers or at least given some free stuff.

1. In the early stages of the Empire, Palpatine faces stern opposition from the Senate. At the center: interim Naboo Senator Jar-Jar Binks. When a Clone Troopers black ops unit fails to defeat Binks' Gungan bodyguards, Palpatine enlists a rogues gallery of bounty hunters to finish the job. Binks goes into exile, but first-time bounty hunter Boba Fett tracks him down and kills him. Fett earns a huge reward and establishes himself as one of the galaxy's best bounty hunters. Palpatine sends troops to kill all the Gungans in order to send a message to Naboo and the rest of the senate.
2. Kamino cloners establish a process for cloning midi-chlorians using the blood of Jedi younglings. Per Palpatine's orders, a batch of Clone Troopers are made with midi-chlorian-rich stem cells, which have a concentration identical to that of a young Anakin Skywalker. The Clone Troopers show no proficiency with the Force, and an enraged Darth Vader kills them all. The cloners analyze Vader's blood and find midi-chlorian levels lower than the average life form. The cloners' research disproves the old Jedi theory that midi-chlorians are connected to the Force.
3. Mon Calamari rebels learn about the cloning facilities when Obi-Wan Kenobi leaks them Kamino's coordinates. Led by a young Admiral Ackbar, the rebels destroy the Kamino cloning facilities in an underwater strike. Clone Troopers invade and subjugate the Calamari homeworld. In order to sustain its army, the Empire institutes a draft. The new soldiers become the first Stormtroopers.
4. After a particularly plentiful moisture harvest, Owen Lars buys his nephew, a young Luke Skywalker, a used T-16 Skyhopper. Luke heads to Toshi station to soup up the old T-16 with some power converters, but he doesn't have enough credits. At the station, he meets hotshot Biggs Darklighter, who is causing trouble and bragging about his flying skills. Luke accepts Biggs' flying challenge and wins the bet by bullseyeing the most womprats, all of which are no bigger than two meters. The prize: power converters! Luke and Biggs become friends, and together they decide they will one day enlist in the Imperial army's flight school. The slaughter of womprats causes a disturbance in the Force that troubles Obi-Wan, who learns how to scare away sandpeople so he can watch the shooting match from the top of a nearby butte. But they return in greater numbers! Look out, Obi-Wan!
   

Just four episodes. That's not much to ask. And they're dark, just like producer Rick McCallum said they should be.

We here at the Nerd Squad hope these four suggestions stand as proof that you should be excited about this Star Wars show.

May the Force be with you.

Special thanks to Slashdot for the story.