Southeast Valley Friday

BYN shameless self-promotion wire

It's this summer's hottest Arizona rap anthem, covering everything from urban sprawl to the photic sneeze. It's Southeast Valley Friday, and you can only find it on My Mesa.

Best of Big Yell

BYN oldschool rap wire

For all y'all suckas just now gettin literate
I laid this s#!t out, now click just a little bit
On this badass motherf@$&in' linkset
And read the best posts you ain't even seen yet

It's over there, right nav, top shelf
You'll laugh as hard as Jimmy Fallon at himself

Office fridges, dead ringers, what the hell
I keep this s#!t cool in the name of Big Yell
And you know I'm talkin 'bout Nasty
That's why I'm blinged-out and rollin' in the cash, G

And to my people with the BYN need
Checkin' up daily with the RSS feed
Makin' turbizzi.blogspot your homepage
You must think these fools are comin' out the stone age

Like Linkovitch Chomofsky, you're absolutely right, bro
So easy a caveman could do it like Geico

Loyal readers just relax in your cribs,
Relive the magic of the business bibs
Throw back a Von Dutch and get ready for a fun day
Or treat yourself to a silly picture Monday

And if you're wondering where's the beef
New s#!t is on the way, so just cool out, chief

Office fridges, dead ringers, what the hell
I keep this s#!t cool in the name of Big Yell
And you know I'm talkin 'bout Nasty
That's why I'm blinged-out and rollin' in the cash, G

Republicans for Voldemort

It's twofer Tuesday at the seldom-updated Big Yellow Nasty.

We've also got the award for best bumper sticker-type thing of the year thus far. I saw it on a car first. Behold:

This comes to us courtesy of goats.com, a cool online comic that is only kind of for geeks.

NOT hip to be square

Worst bumper sticker or bumper sticker type thing of the year thus far goes to this gem of a slogan some clown put across the back windshield of his or her Scion XB:

It's hip to be square.

Huey Lewis would be rolling in his grave if he were dead.

Hey, I'm a fan of Wendy's burgers, Starburst, and Imo's St. Louis-style Pizza ('the square beyond compare'), but if it were ever hip to be square, this jerk ruined it.

The worst part is that I had been flirting for a while with the idea that the XBs might be cool cars. Now, thanks to this moron, the Honda Element is officially sweeter*.

According to official total sweetness rankings published by the Turbizzi Foundation for Total Sweetness.

Nick Lachey reveals startlingly kinky secrets

Paol Maserati
BYN celebrity gossip columnist

People magazine is bringing us a juicy preview of Nick Lachey's tell-all interview in an upcoming Elle:

Nick Lachey reveals in an interview that he used to put on Jessica Simpson's shoes and walk around in them – "It was sort of a kinky thing we liked to get into," he tells Elle magazine.

My sweet holy effing God. Those boots really were made for walking.

Here at BYN celebrity gossip, our policy has always been to make up facts and leave it up to celebrities and their publicists to deny them. And oh the things we made up about Newlyweds stars Nick Lachey and Jessica Simpson.

We reported that they had a sex dungeon, complete with whips, chains, handcuffs, industrial-strength shackles, scuba gear, swings, a live American bison with artificial wings, a river of chocolate, Ashlee Simpson CDs, saddles, spurs, a Jacuzzi filled with Crystal champagne, another Jacuzzi filled with blue Jell-O, twelve live peacocks, a gas-powered vibrator, the rest of 98 Degrees, two complete sets of NFL-regulation pads, three Swedish pleasure midgets, a ring-tailed lemur, a ping-pong table, Pepsi twist, a car battery with jumper cables and 128 colors of M&Ms.

We even went as far as to hypothesize what a couple who have been newlyweds for four years might do with all that stuff, and believe me, they were some kinky hypotheses.

But nothing, NOTHING could have prepares us for this startlingly kinky truth.

He wears her shoes.

He wears her shoes.

Nick calls it "kinky." I call it sadomasosodopedocynonecrozapatophelia. I'm going directly to church after I write this to confess the sin of even having thought about it.

I mean, you're walking around in her shoes. What next? Kissing her with your tongue? Naughty text messages? You are a kinky bastard, Nick Lachey.

This shocking revelation proves two things.

1. Nick Lachey's feet must be really small. And you know what they say about guys with small feet ...
2. Celebrity couples don't actually have sex or anything even remotely resembling sex.

Think about No. 2 for a second. You think Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes are capable of any physical affection outside of the painful little hugs and kisses they show the public? Heck no!

The truth is that fame and money profoundly alter your physical needs. This is a painful truth that we celebrity 'journalists' have been covering up for years. The reason, I think, is that people buy our publications based on the assumption that there's some underlying sex between, say, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie.

If we printed the truth - that the physical need for sex, over time, is replaced by a need to, say, be hung upside-down from a chain and be dunked repeatedly into a vat of Evian and rose petals, would you buy our magazines?

No. No you wouldn't.

You would rather read the Elle where Nick Lachey reveals his dirty little shoe fetish.

On a side note, we asked Lachey why he gave the tell-all to Elle and not a cooler magazine.

"Elle is pretty much my favorite letter in the whole ABCs," said Lachey. "Except for 'N,' probably. So it's at least my second favorite."